Candid Karina

{February 8, 2012}   Moments and Memories

I had this dream last night, and in it, I was with The Soulmate.  You can read our full story in that link, but I’ll give you the cliffs notes version:  The Soulmate is an ex-boyfriend of mine.  He was a great guy, and we had a wonderful relationship.  He treated me better than any man ever had or ever has since.  He was sweet, and caring, and loving, and sexy and funny, and fun.  From him I learned, truly, what it meant to be loved, and how I should expect to be treated by a man.  I truly loved this man.

Unfortunately, as I’ve learned more than once in life, sometimes love just isn’t enough.  The Soulmate came into my life damaged and carrying a complete set of baggage, with the bonus free carry-on bag. As much as he loved me, he couldn’t let go of his past long enough to plan his future.  We broke up.  He broke my heart (in probably the most selfless and giving way anyone has ever broken someone else’s heart) and set me free.

This all happened a very long time ago, and I haven’t spoken to or heard about him since.  I have more than once wished for him happiness.  I truly hope he’s found love with someone else, and has allowed himself to heal from his wounds and move on.

My wounds have healed.  My heart, reshaped, but mended.  The memories stored away, only to resurface in small glimpses.  But not very often at all lately.  I can’t remember the last time I thought of him.

Until last night, when, for some unknown reason, he surfaced in my dream.  Prominently.  I don’t remember the specific details, but I remember that it was more a walk through my memories than an actual dream.  In my sleep I relived aspects of our relationship.  And I awoke feeling nostalgic, and wishing I could revisit those feeling again.

Left wondering where he is now.  Wondering what if…wondering why life has this way of playing mind tricks on you.

I have made peace with this piece of my romantic history.  I have, in fact, been able to take an objective look back and realize that as much as there was love, there were also cracks..faults…issues that we eventually would never have been able to survive, even without his baggage.

And yet…today my heart lays heavy in my chest.  And I miss him.  So many years later.

Guess I know exactly what Adelle is singing about here: 


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